Never question a drunk. (non nigger related joke)

[Cracka Jack]

As told by a woman. . .

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me said "You must be single"
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the 5 items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?’
The drunk replied, "Because you're down right ugly"

:rofl

[NotThatGuy]

True story. Went through a messy divorce. My ex's lawyer was a raging bitch who, because I was going through cancer treatments, thought I should lose custody of my kids (I shit you not). At one point, during mediation, I looked at her and said "Ma'am, do you have kids?", she responded "I have three, not that it's any of your business." and I said "Three, really? Triplets?" She said, "No, why would you think that?" and I said "Because you are so fucking fat and ugly, I can't imagine anyone having sex with you more than once...." You could have heard a pin drop for about 3 seconds until it registered. I thought she was going to come over the table at me.

[Whitey Ford]

T"Because you are so fucking fat and ugly, I can't imagine anyone having sex with you more than once...."

Fuckin' EPIC :rofl

[SC Anemia]

True story. Went through a messy divorce. My ex's lawyer was a raging bitch who, because I was going through cancer treatments, thought I should lose custody of my kids (I shit you not). At one point, during mediation, I looked at her and said "Ma'am, do you have kids?", she responded "I have three, not that it's any of your business." and I said "Three, really? Triplets?" She said, "No, why would you think that?" and I said "Because you are so fucking fat and ugly, I can't imagine anyone having sex with you more than once...." You could have heard a pin drop for about 3 seconds until it registered. I thought she was going to come over the table at me.

My bitch-in-law (daughter-in-law) is a family law attorney and a real cunt. You might imagine that we don't speak much. She's every bit the pariah and stereotypical asshole you would think a family law attorney would be.

[NotThatGuy]

My bitch-in-law (daughter-in-law) is a family law attorney and a real cunt. You might imagine that we don't speak much. She's every bit the pariah and stereotypical asshole you would think a family law attorney would be.

Yeah, my exes lawyer was horrible. So glad I don't have to deal with her. She would get mad, because I would add/drop my lawyer depending on what was going on (he was a friend of the family), so he would file some paperwork for me, charge me like 50 an hour to do so, withdraw as council if not needed and "ghost write" responses, meanwhile my ex was paying 400 an hour to her lawyer to respond to stupid shit we were filing. In the end, I spent around 1200 total and my ex was well over 10K.

[Ignatow]

I hate most lawyers, especially divorce attorneys. I've dealt with good ones, 5% of the whole. Most are sharks. I wasn't this way before until I had to deal with them.

[NotThatGuy]

I hate most lawyers, especially divorce attorneys. I've dealt with good ones, 5% of the whole. Most are sharks. I wasn't this way before until I had to deal with them.

You have no idea. I was battling cancer, diagnosis early January 2015. Doctors were not sure I would make it to June. My ex-wife, forwarded me and my lawyer, an email of a convo between her and her lawyer discussing some issues. What she forgot to do though, was remove the earlier part of her conversation with her lawyer. In said convo, her lawyer said that they should "drag" the divorce out as long as possible. Because if we divorce and I die, she would only receive what was allocated in the divorce. If we were still married (even separated) and I died, she would get everything. We submitted the entire convo to the courts, hoping the judge would see that conversation. When we went in, the judge screamed at her lawyer for a good 5 minutes about conduct and what not. It was beautiful.

[SC Anemia]

You have no idea. I was battling cancer, diagnosis early January 2015. Doctors were not sure I would make it to June. My ex-wife, forwarded me and my lawyer, an email of a convo between her and her lawyer discussing some issues. What she forgot to do though, was remove the earlier part of her conversation with her lawyer. In said convo, her lawyer said that they should "drag" the divorce out as long as possible. Because if we divorce and I die, she would only receive what was allocated in the divorce. If we were still married (even separated) and I died, she would get everything. We submitted the entire convo to the courts, hoping the judge would see that conversation. When we went in, the judge screamed at her lawyer for a good 5 minutes about conduct and what not. It was beautiful.

Jesus Christ man! That's exactly why most people despise family law attorneys..
My ex had an an attorney who figured that though CA is a "community property" state, meaning marital assets are equally divided, the funds that she held in an A.G.Edwards account prior to our marriage were her personal property.

No problem, makes sense but then went further to claim that any marital property purchased with funds from that account were also her personal property. That's how I lost five guitars and two drum sets. The bitch can't even play, she just didn't want me to have them.

5671

This ^^^ stung like a bitch.

[Cracka Jack]

Sucks to be you guys!! :lol I just thank Sweet Baby Jebus everyday that I never tied the knot with any of the nutjob women I've dated over the past 20 years. I often tell people, "I'd rather be lonely than miserable".

[Ignatow]

It was a big mistake for me to get married & divorced. Community property. Her female lawyer was a bitch, mine always told me I can't do anything about the community property law. No children, thank Jebus. At least I'm free.

[Whitey Ford]

The difference between a hooker and a lawyer is that the lawyer gets paid a lot more money to fuck you.

[zagnut]

It took me twice to figure out that marriage was a damn expensive hobby. I'm glad I came to my senses and started an enthusiastic relationship with hot rods.

[SC Anemia]

It took me twice to figure out that marriage was a damn expensive hobby. I'm glad I came to my senses and started an enthusiastic relationship with hot rods.

:potd